Life is so out of control I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Is this what I want? Am I doing it right? Is the amount of commitment that I put in sufficient? Apparently not. Today was supposed to be a good, happy day. Turns out to be otherwise.
I don't blame my trainer for pushing me too hard during the training. Yes I admit part of me was angry with him over that. But the bigger part of me is just really disappointed and frustrated with myself for not being able to live up to the expectation.
Stop telling me I'm good. Cuz I know I am not. How to not doubt myself when everyone else is improving while my progress is totally stagnant? I see how the others are progressing while I am not. And when u tell me that you believe I can, it just kills me more because I know I will let you down again.
I hate this feeling.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I don't even know what I want anymore. Is this the right choice I'm doing?
Am I really a worthy investment?
I don't want to let you down. But I know I am not good enough to make you proud yet.
:(
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